I am extremely impressed by this. The ending is very surprising and empowering; i think you did a great job depicting the message that's sent through, and the fact that it's done in such few words is incredible.

--
"unholy battered old thing you were, my sunflower O my soul, i love you then!"
-Allen Ginsberg, "sunflower sutra"

Thanks.
I think you're an amazing and extremely talented writer--it means alot to me that you like it.
(I'd like to think I'm incredible)

ha.
catchy.

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**every little thing. is going to be alright.
my gallery: [link]

What do you mean by catchy?

catchy because its short and witty, and completely memorable.

--
**every little thing. is going to be alright.
my gallery: [link]

Thanks

I never thought of it as catchy. Good summary.

Hee hee! I like it! It's not what I expected. But did you hand this in to Mr. Emes...? This might lead him to believe that you are a lesbian... haha! Oh well... not a biggy I guess...

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Dearest the shadows I live with are numberless...

~Gloomy Sunday~

Uh...Great. Just what I need my teachers doing; questioning my sexuality. I'm glad you like it--I didn't think you would! Now I am proud of myself so I feel like a dork. Oh, well.

A frown marred [her] pristine features. Maria read the crude writing on the bathroom stall[:] Kristen is fat. Jason’s a hottie. Maria’s a fag. That one sullied her[, she knew]. [Smiling to herself, she shook her head.] Then she took a pen to the stall.

And damn proud of it.

I think this is a wonderful piece, taking something banal and ordinary and coming in with a powerful punchline at the end. I would suggest a few things, though. First, I think "her usually" in the first sentence is a bit much. Usually or her alone would work much better. Usually is a weak work, anyway--and if you're already talking about the frown marring her features, then you don't have to tell me they are 'usually' pristine.

I think a colon would better serve you here over a comma, especially to introduce the writing. A colon isn't something you want to overuse, but it certainly has its place. Consider changing the order of the stall-writing. "Fat" and "Fag" are too close together and it interrupts the flow; it's also a little awkward to have the 'longer' phrase in the middle (it has the full "is" instead of the contraction).

You don't have to use the quotation marks if you're going to italicize. Choose one convention over the other; both are overkill.

"Maria only mused on thought..." This line is awkward, feels a bit forced, and doesn't seem authentic. She might concede that she understands, but I'd much rather a short, quick description of some action here--something that shows me how she feels about it rather than something that tells me what she is doing. However, you don't have to use my above suggestion; it's something I put there to show you what I mean.

I really enjoyed this. It packs a punch for 50 words!

--
Suggest a Lit DD today!

Thanks for your input.

Having to write it at exactly 50 words was what made it so hard. I edited it at least 10 times to make sure it fit and it took me an hour and a half to get it near the effect I wanted! Which wasn't smart at the time because I had 3 hours of science to do...

Once again, I will completely ignore my science to edit this with your suggestions because they make sense and I agree. Sayonara cell theory!

I'm glad you enjoyed this. I had hope you would.